Six Simple Steps to Getting Your Local Business Found on Google

After designing quite a few websites and finding they still weren’t coming up in Google searches, I realized I must’ve been doing something wrong. I was. Trusting Google.

Google is a wonderful tool, and has helped make many, many people rich beyond their wildest dreams. It has also put an incredible number of small businesses out of work, and found many legitimate businesses struggling to be found on the internet.

Well, before you attempt to take down the world’s biggest search engine in frustration, you might simply want to learn to play by a few of their rules. Here are 6 Simple Steps to help get your WordPress website ranked. Follow them all, and I guarantee your ranking will improve, and the phone will start ringing!

 

1. Make sure your Page IDs are set to Custom Structure 

This is a simple fix that they don’t tell you when you download WordPress. The default page structure in WordPress is to number your pages. For example, if you look at the about or news section now, you may see Page ID= 43. Ideally, you want your site so be www.domainname.com/news or ABOUT, or BLOG, etc. This is also critical for any articles and posts you add. You want the titles to be in the  and any articles you ad so Google can index them.

To fix this, go to:  Settings, Permalinks and select Custom Structure, then paste the following into the box:  /%postname%/

(With the slashes exactly as is.) This will automatically update your existing url’s, as well as any pages or posts you add.

2. Install a Simple SEO Plugin

While you can tag your articles with keywords until you’re blue in the face, they likely aren’t going to weigh too heavily when Google comes a-knockin’ if you only list them in the WordPress keyword box. Of course, you can add metatags and all sorts of customization on your own, or can simply install a good SEO plugin that takes care of this for you. I recommend YOAST. It’s free, and has a simple interface to capture your keywords and metatags in everything you post.  http://yoast.com/wordpress/seo/.

3. Create a Google Places Listing

If you have a physical address for your business, it is a really good idea to register your business with Google Places. (www.google.com/places). This will help your customers find you, and get you additional links back to your main site. You simply need to register your address to claim your listing. You will get a nice little Google postcard in the mail with a PIN to verify you are the registered business owner. Be sure to fill out your profile completely and add pictures and video. This one simple step will literally put you on the map. And once your listing is live, be sure to have your customers add positive reviews for your business.

4. Title Your Pictures

Every good website should have some relevant pictures. Whether or not you shoot your own photos or use stock photos is irrelevant—you need to title them. It may seem low on the list of things to do, but over time your pictures will be indexed along with your site, and will add to your over all ranking. Just change the titles to your site name and a one or two word description.

5. Keywords – They still matter!

After you get the site all set up, you should routinely go through it and make sure you have used the appropriate keywords for your business in as many places as you can. This does not mean you build a single page and stuff it with endless keywords in a tiny paragraph on the bottom. That may have worked in 1985. Today, Google only cares about quality content, and keyword writing is considered an art. (Also, adding lame paragraphs about how you provide quality hair cutting, hair washing, hair shampooing, hair conditioning, hair drying, hair styling, and loved Hairspray the musical will do nothing but drive your potential customers to another site.)

A simple way to handle this is to regularly add new articles to the blog section of your website. In fact, if you do this on a weekly basis, you may be able to “train” Google to expect new content from your site, and they’ll come indexing regularly… a sure way to boost your ranking.

6. Get High-Quality Inbound Links

Beyond all this, the true key to getting your site to rank has been, and will continue to be getting high quality inbound links. What does this mean? Well, Google is smart. And they know anyone can throw up a website, load it with keywords, and say they are the best landscaper / roofer / dentist / astronaut in the Tri-State area. What separates the professionals from the amateurs is the number of links coming in from reputable sources. It only stands to reason that if a major website recommends you, your business is probably legit, and therefore deserves a higher ranking with the search engines.

There are many ways to accomplish this, among them offering to guest blog for a larger site with a link back to your site, get an article written about your business, submit a completed article to a large site, run a banner ad, etc. All are effective. Time consuming? Yes. However, I assure you, several high-quality links will do wonders for your website’s ranking.

Whatever you do, DO NOT PAY FOR INBOUND LINKS. There are literally thousands of companies offering Top Search Engine Ranking for $99 a month, or whatever they can suck out of you. Yes, your little site will zoom to the top when their servers inIndonesiastart pinging your domain until it bleeds. But, as I’ve said like a zillion times, Google wasn’t born yesterday. Not only do they know about these sites, they can filter them, and your spot at the top will be short lived once they found out what’s going on. (Not to mention you’re doing nothing but spending money to generate fake traffic, which will not help you earn any real business.)

So, to sum up, use these 6 tips and your site will start to creep up to the top. Don’t expect it to happen over night. (If it does, you did something wrong.) But having a legit web strategy in place will surely find you one, or hopefully two, steps ahead of your competitors.

All the best!

-jm

(Jeff Michaels is a touring musician and author of the air travel guide, Please Hug Me – I’ve Been Delayed: The Only Guide You’ll Ever Need to Survive the Not-so-Friendly Skies. He also designs websites on the side. Visit his blog at www.beendelayed.com for more great life-saving tips.)

Don’t Carry a Lazy Man’s Load

One of the great advantages to working at my worldwide office, AKA Starbucks, is the number of random conversations you overhear on a daily basis. This morning, an interesting group of local contractors gathered in front of me to discuss their next job, and what I presumed would be a boring conversation about paint or what supplies they might need to order.

While there was some shop talk, I was surprised by the amount of advice on life they were freely sharing with each other. It seemed my stereotyping was wrong. (I thought I was the only philosophical painter in New England.)

Along with the typical marital advice they freely joked with each other about (word on the street is,“Yes, dear” will still get you very far in any relationship), I overheard a new nugget. And that’s, “Don’t Carry a Lazy Man’s Load.”

I wasn’t quite sure what the older white-haired gentleman was referring to, but it piqued enough interest for me to hit mute on iTUNES so I could listen in. (Quick tip: always leave the headphones in your ears—will keep people from thinking you’re being rude and eavesdropping.)

As the gentleman went on to explain, don’t carry a lazy man’s load was something he learned from years of employment as an ironworker after watching individuals trying to carry too much raw material on their backs in the hopes of cutting down on the number of trips they need to make. The guys who thought they were being more productive by taking a shortcut were actually just being lazy.

Often, we are tempted to carry more weight than we can handle in the hopes that we can make the trip only once. And what happens?

Invariably, we drop our load.

Instead of making our journey easier, we now have to pick everything back up and start over, adding even more time to our journey.

Have you bitten off more than you can chew at times in the hopes it will make achieving your overall goal easier? Has it ever gotten you where you wanted to go any faster? My guess would be no.

Sometimes in life there are things that are not going to go as quickly as you plan. Sometimes there are steps you can’t avoid when you are trying to achieve your goals, and like it or not, you’re going to accept each load, as intended.

Why would one want to take advice from a group of working-class contractors gathered at a local coffee shop on a Tuesday morning discussing how best to order paint with a smile on their face? Well, because of the smiles, of course. These gentlemen are happy doing what they love… and anyone who is happy doing what they love is someone I will gladly listen to any day.

Don’t be lazy. Take your time, and do it right. You’ll get there.

-jm

True Potential: Why do we always wait to use it?

Earlier today I came across another story about overcoming adversity, this one using the golfer Ben Hogan as an example of someone who dug down deep to win the US Open and The Masters after being in a head-on car crash and told he would never walk again.

Which got me thinking…

Why do we always wait until we are at that proverbial low point before our resolution kicks into high gear? Why do we wait until we’ve hit absolute rock bottom and are stripped of everything we hold near and dear that we decide to use these amazing powers that have been within us all along? Your partner leaves you. You get laid off. You break all the bones in your body in a freak horse-racing accident and while recuperating you realize you have the potential to start a multi-million dollar online beauty supply company from your hospital bed. (Just an example.)

I, for one, am guilty of this, never having put forth the effort to create the life I wanted until I literally had nothing left and was forced to move back in with my parents (which, some part of me still had the gall to say, “this isn’t so bad…”). We have the power to heal. We have the power to transform our lives. We have the power to literally do whatever we want, yet so few of us use this power until we hit this absolute breaking point.

So how do we tap into this power without having to go through a life-altering crisis?

Well, if you are an Anthony Robbins fan, you know he can get you to do this by creating a false sense of urgency. By his sheer charisma and zest for life he will hold you accountable to higher ideals and and goals, and will awaken what he refers to as your giant within. Does it work? Absolutely. However, unless you’ve gone through an extreme crisis like I’ve mentioned, I’m willing to bet you will have difficulty creating this sense of urgency on your own. After all, today’s only Tuesday. Aren’t you much better at working on your potential on Wednesdays?

If you want a true, lasting method to tapping into this universal power, I think all you need to do is meditate for a few moments each day, and give some thought to something you might have forgotten. Something that might scare you, but shouldn’t, because it’s simply what is. And that is we are all only here on this planet for a very short amount of time. We all came from the same place, and we’re all headed back there eventually. And when we’re there, we can’t be here. If you want to leave your mark on this earth, there is only one chance to do so. There are no second chances.

If you can do that everyday, I think you’ll begin to use each and every moment of your life in a much greater manner. If that doesn’t stir the fire within, it may be time to give up your seat on this ride to someone else.

Now get out there, and kick some a–!

-jm

11 Tips for Differentiating your Small Business from the pack

Looking for a few quick and easy methods to differentiate your business from competitors in your field? (Sure you are.)

Here are 11 tips, pulled from a mastermind session at PodCamp 3 in Western, MA this past weekend. Thanks to our great moderators, Val Nelson and Nunzio Bruno for helping us bring out these brilliant ideas! (I’ve added a few of my own too…)

1. Know Your Audience – this may seem like a no-brainer, but unless you can clearly define who it is you wish to do business with, you will have a difficult time coordinating your marketing efforts, and will end up wasting a lot of time and money.

2. Know Your Mission - nearly equally as important as knowing your audience. If you don’t have an overall mission, (even if your small business is just to write greeting cards or humorous air travel books), you will find it difficult to know where to focus your energy.

3. Know Your Goals – goals are not the same as a mission. A mission provides an overall reason for being in business. Goals provide tangible target points you are working towards to grow your business. You need both to effectively grow.

4. Show Yourself as an Authority – this is something many small business owners overlook. While you may spend a lot of time telling your mom you’re the best, your customers need to know this too. Testimonials, case studies, and real-life examples will gain you credibility. Make certain these are listed prominently on your website.

5. Become an Expert at Your One Thing – similar to being an authority, you now need to prove it. Your business may–and likely does, have many aspects to it. Make sure you spend time learning and developing your skills in the one area you feel you rock at harder than everyone else. A great example is Tiger Woods. He spends the majority of his practicing working on his drives and his putting, which are among the best in the world, and set him apart from his competition. He spends just a moderate amount of time on his weaker shots, making sure he’s competent enough they don’t bring the rest of his game down. (When he’s not sleeping around of course.)

6. Add Value to Existing Businesses – if you want to grow your business, make sure you are working with other established businesses to add value to what they do. The partnerships will be lasting and set you apart from others who act alone.

7. Put Your Prospects into Two Buckets – there are those who will buy from you, and those who will refer business to you. Make certain your interactions with each group are not the same. Spend time offering your services to those who will refer you business, and offer them things for free. Consider them your peers, and you will see the reciprocity factor kicking in big time.

8. Focus Your Efforts Where People Might Not Have Previously Thought About Purchasing – you know what I’m referring to here… be the Big Fish in the Little Pond. This is not always the strategy you want to pursue, but if you are looking to grow in a specific area and become an authority, you may find focusing your marketing efforts in a different environment than you are accustomed to will bring you unexpected results. For example, I often don’t focus on getting my book into bookstores, where I’m competing with over 50,000 other titles for shelf space. I might instead focus on putting them in a flea market, or better yet, up on the altar at church, where I’m only competing against the Bible.

9. Tie Into a Holiday Promotion – this is probably one of the single most effective things you can do to continually grow your business. There may be ten companies offering your same service, but if you change what you call it to tie in with the specific season, it will resonate with consumers. For example, maybe you operate a small massage business out of your home. Instead of just advertising stress release, create special offers to relieve the stress of holiday shopping, the stress of being alone on Valentine’s Day, the stress of too many Halloween costumes to chose from…

10. Tell your STORY – as you consistently put forth all these efforts, you are building your story. You may think it’s not something others wish to know about, but most customers are more apt to buy from someone they can relate to, even if it is online or in a social media setting.

For example, my story is I’m a musician who grew sick of having his flight delayed while on tour, and developed ways to keep myself amused while sitting in the airports. This grew into a 200-page travel book and accompanying CD, where I’ve shared tips I’ve learned with fellow travelers, using my own experiences to help make there lives easier.

11. It’s all about PASSION! – beyond everything, love what you do, and the money will follow.

As Jim Collins and Jerry Porras say in Built to Last, “A visionary company is like a great work of art. You can’t point to any one single item that makes the whole thing work; it’s the entire work–all the pieces working together to create an overall effect–that leads to enduring greatness.”

Even with your small business, you are the visionary. You are the master mind of the entire operation. Try even just a few of these tips, and you’ll be sure to succeed in ways you might never have imagined.

Best of luck!

-jm

Jeff Michaels is the author of Please Hug Me – I’ve Been Delayed, quite possibly the greatest book on air travel ever written. His music isn’t bad either.

Josh Groban’s Vibrato: Why I Hate Christmas

Today started out just as I thought it might. Woke up. Did a little yoga. Took the puppy for a walk. (She pooped outside for the second time this week–a major accomplishment.) Then suddenly my euphoric high was brought to an abrupt halt the moment I opened the doors to my local Starbucks (aka: my office).

Josh Groban. Belting out holiday classics at window-shattering decibels.

And it’s only December 1st.

Sigh. I just got out of therapy from last year’s barrage of holiday music that penetrated the very core of my foamed cappuccino and did permanent damage to my soul. Like that God-awful Sarah McLaughlin / Joni Mitchell song about the river. Ugh. The only two people who should be allowed to record new holiday music are Mariah Carey and Adam Sandler. Everyone else, please stop. We’ve got plenty. How about some Easter songs? “Wake Up Jesus… Wait, Where Did He Go?”

Now, I actually like JG. He’s a talented kid. Voice like an angel, and all that. But do I want to hear him every single day from November until December 31st? No, I emphatically do not.

I want to hear him in the background when I’m wrapping presents, sipping cocoa, watching Elf, and decorating my tree. And all that happens within a 4-hour time span, roughly two days before Christmas. The rest of the month, I want to just enjoy life and complain about how cold it is, like a proper New Englander.

[As a side note, if you didn't think the creator of the universe has a sense of humor, The Grobster just came back on again while I'm writing this. The Bells of New York City are literally ringing in my ears. I couldn't make this up if I tried.]

And it’s not just Starbucks. Every retailer in America is to blame. You have sucked the life out of a once joyous holiday. So much that I am now considered the neighborhood Scrooge because I don’t whip out my decorations the moment the last trick-or-treater leaves my house.

Do I have a solution? Several. But here’s my favorite: I think we should do what they do with the Olympics… celebrate Christmas once every two years.

Think how special it will be. Think how ecstatic the children will be after waiting 23 months to see Santa Claus. (Think how much BIGGER the presents will be!) Families will come together in harmony, instead of annoyance. The carols will seem happier. The candles brighter.

Now, I’m know I’m not going to win this argument. Especially when the businesses who control Christmas rely on the last two months of the year in order to turn a profit. Still, a boy can dream.

Perhaps someday when I’m independently wealthy, I will have the means to make some small changes… and try I will. I will start local. Persuade my local store owners to wait until it snows before they turn every item in their store red and green. Or at least until the plates are cleared from Thanksgiving dinner. Hold back on the cheer… just for a bit. Then I will move on to statewide, and regional, and take Josh with me. People will cry. His voice… it’s just so damn beautiful. They’ll agree. It should only be heard once every two years.

Good things come to those who wait. That’s what Jesus said. (Who? Oh, you mean the guy with a birthday this month? Yah, I think I heard of him…)

My point exactly.

[OMG... I wish I were making this up. The river song just came on. I swear to God:

"They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on..."

Oh, Sarah. I wish I had a river too.]

Happier Holidays!
-jm

7 Powerful Websites for Using Social Media to Increase Your Customer or Client Base

WARNING! TECH-GEEK POST BELOW

I’m clearly not one, (as my friend Leslie reminds me every time she watches me whip out my stylus to check my calendar on my phone), but I did work in Silcon Valley for several years and can fake it, if necessary.

I remember graduating college with a marketing degree. I remember deciding I didn’t want to work in marketing because I much preferred to be a musician.

Fast forward a few years, and I’ve recently come to the realization that I’ve been using my degree all along, perhaps choosing the toughest marketing job of all—marketing myself.

To be honest, it’s a terrible job. Pay sucks, there’s no vacation, and I’m learning I can be quite the mean boss before I have my morning coffee. And, if you’re anything like me, you’re jumping at any and every opportunity to market yourelf and your business a little easier, and ways to do it cheaply.

To that end, Social Media is the new media. I don’t particularly like it, and it pains me to admit it. (Hence why I refer to Social Media as S&M.) I’d much rather spend my time writing more sweet tunes and bestselling books. But, mark my words, if you think you can avoid it, you’re going to be left in the dust, struggling to get your Friendster account activated while your neighbor down the street steals your customers, your livelihood, and possibly even your wife, using nothing more than a handheld device and a 140-character tweet.

Here are seven of the best websites to increase your online presence and brand awareness I picked up from a PodCamp conference I attended at Westfield State College in Western Mass this past weekend. These fine folks are in the SocMed game daily, and seem to be doing quite well at it. Hopefully this will help take away some of the pain… (unless you really enjoy that sort of thing).

1. wordpress.com – Not solely for blogging anymore. Get a complete website up in virtually minutes. Incredibly versatile and customizable CMS. One thing I REALLY like about wordpress? They automatically create a mobile version of your site, so all those iPhone and Smartphone users can actually read what you write (and see your adorable picture.)

2. www.tubemogul.com - Post your video on here and reach virtually every major video hosting site in the world, at once. No more praying the screen on your laptop doesn’t burn out while you spend hours uploading your massive video files.

BONUS TIP: Go one step further, and copy the links from your hosted videos and embed them into your blog. Will help increase your Google rankings. Like this:

3. www.pitchengine.com - Social platform that enables PR to effectively package stories and share them with journalists, bloggers, and the like worldwide.

4. www.prweb.com – A very cost effective method for getting that all-important press release or information about your business out to the masses. One conference attendee claimed to get 80,000 views from a $200 investment. Not too shabby of an ROI.

5. www.grader.com - What if you could ask an expert before you post that release or tweet if it’s perfect in every way, and ready to be read my millions? Very cool site.

6. www.tweetdeck.com – Assuming most tweeters already know about this, but if not, it’ll change your Twitter experience forever. My favorite part? Helps you manage multiple Twitter accounts at once. (Ex: @jmichaelsrocks and @pleasehugme both appear on one handy screen.) Supports auto-URL shortening so you can cram what you need to say into 140 characters. Also, it looks way cooler than Twitter’s ugly, kindergarten-like layout.

7. www.google.com/analytics – What’s the use of having a blog or a website if you can’t capture that highly-critical-but-often-ignored info on what people are doing once they visit your site? Sign up for this now. Track your web traffic like the pro’s.

Oh, and here’s the best part… all of these are 100% FREE.

Now, don’t forget… before you go through all this difficulty to tell the world about what exactly it is that you do, make sure to have invested your time diligently, and have created a quality product or service to promote. All the publicity and social media acumen in the world won’t get people to return to your lousy restaurant, buy your poorly constructed umbrellas, or read your next novel if it has one-too-many characters based solely off of the people sitting across from you at your local Starbucks (my current dilemma…).

Add value to the world by doing something valuable.

-jm

Dissection of a Chain Letter (Fwd: please read this…)

Have you seen this one before?

“Read this while you are alone; especially the poem. I believe whatever is in store for us, will be for us. The poem is very true, unfortunately. Make sure you read the poem!”

This lovely chain letter then goes on to present us with three stories–two people who didn’t read the poem and follow the directions (I’m not sure how they missed the blatant instructions to READ THE POEM!), and one who did. Of course, bad things happened to the first two, and life is wonderful for Mr. I-Follow-All-The-Rules. Even worse, poor Katie Robinson who read the poem but didn’t have enough friends to send it to still met with an untimely fate.

(You better read the poem, just to be safe.)

Now, after having read this thing several times, I’m sitting here waging the great debate. Do I ignore the powers of fate when a gust of good luck will really help get things rolling along? (A new car would be splendid.) Or, do I piss off everyone in my inbox, yet again?

(I’m also left wondering how come Katie Robertson got invited to a masquerade ball when she only has 5 friends? I’ve never been invited to a masquerade ball…)

Well, I’ve decide to kill two birds with one stone. I will simply share my amazing fortune that comes from forwarding this letter with everyone on my list that I sent it to, thus maintaining my friends while securing Lady Luck’s assistance in my current endeavors. That way no one’s angry, and there’s a chance I can afford to get my girlfriend some expensive jewelry for Valentine’s Day when the fortunes arrive at my front door in the promised 45 minutes. (Which will no doubt also help my chances of getting lucky.)

Do we need these foolish things cluttering our lives? They’re inconvenient. They’re Annoying. Time consuming… but, wait… maybe we do.

Just by taking a moment out of your day and locating some folks in your address book you haven’t thought of in a while tends to put you in a giving mood. Maybe you flash back to the last time you hung out, and remember how much fun you had. Or maybe you’ve been meaning to thank them for their Christmas present, but haven’t had the chance. Or maybe just by thinking about them the stress you’ve been feeling simply melts away.

The end of this particular poem reads, “Stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.”

For better or worse, that’s true. My friends have helped shape me into the kind of person who doesn’t want to piss others off for his own advantage, like forwarding a chain letter just to guarantee my own good fortune. They have also helped make me someone who realizes he’s quite fortunate to be friends with some of the most wonderful people on the planet.

Now, forward this to 547 people, tell them to buy my book, and good fortune will shine down on you so hard you won’t be able to control your bladder.

Much love to all of you.

-jm

Read this while you are alone (Homework for Dissection of a Chain Letter post)

Read this while you are alone;
especially the poem.

I believe whatever is in store for
us, will be for us.

The poem is
very true, unfortunately.

Make sure you
read the poem!

CASE 1: Kelly Sedey had one wish -
for her boyfriend of three years,
David Marsden, to propose to her.
Then one day when they were out
to lunch, David proposed!

She accepted, but then had to leave,
because she had a meeting in 20 min.

When she got to her office, she noticed on
her computer she had some e-mails.
She checked it, and it was the usual stuff
from her friends, but then she saw one
that she had never gotten before.

It was this poem. She simply deleted it
without even reading all of it.

BIG MISTAKE!
Later that evening,
she received a phone call from the police.
It was about DAVID! He had been in an accident
with an 18 wheeler. He didn’t survive!

CASE 2: Take Katie Robinson.

She received this poem, and
being the believer that she was,
she sent it to a few of her friends.

But she didn’t have enough e-mail addresses
to send out the full 5 that you must.

Three days later, Katie went
to a masquerade ball.
Later that night, when she left
to go to her car,
she was killed in that spot by a
hit-and-run drunk driver.

CASE 3: Richard S. Willis

Sent this poem out
within 45 minutes of reading it.

Not even 4 hours later,
he was walking along the street
to his new job interview with
a really big company.

On the way, he ran into Cynthia Bell,
his secret love for 5 years.
Cynthia came up to him and told him
of her passionate crush on him
that she had had for 2 years.

Three days later, he proposed to
her, and they got married.
Cynthia and Richard are still
married with three children,
and are as happy as ever!

This is the poem:

Around the
corner I have a friend,
In this great
city that has no end.
Yet the days go
by and weeks rush on,

And before I
know it, a year is gone.
And I never see
my old friend’s face,
For life is a
swift and terrible race.

He knows
I like him just as well
As in the days
when I rang his bell
and he rang mine,

but we were younger then,
And now we are
busy, tired men.

Tired of
playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying
to make a name.
‘Tomorrow’ I say!

‘I will call on Jim,
Just to show
that I’m thinking of him.’

But tomorrow
comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance
between us grows and grows.

Around the
corner, yet miles away,
‘Here’s a telegram sir:’

‘Jim died today.’
And that’s what
we get and deserve in the end.
Around the
corner, a vanished friend.

Remember to
always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Because when you decide
that it is the right time,
it might be too late.

Seize the day.
Never have regrets.
And most importantly,
stay close to your friends
and family, for they have helped
make you the person that you are today.

Within 3 hours after reading this letter,
you must send it to 10 other people.
If you do this, you will receive
unbelievably good luck.

*NOTE*

The more people that you send this to,
the better luck you will have.

SMILE, even through your tears.

The Art of Naked Blogging

It’s 2010. And you know what that means. Resolution time. AND, not just any sort of resolutions will do. In case you didn’t notice, this also happens to be the dawn of a new decade. And that requires MAJOR resolutions on all our parts.

Frankly, there hasn’t been this much pressure since the Millennium. Remember that debacle? Everyone was so concerned about the little 1’s and 0’s crashing the foolish computers that they forgot about making any real changes in their lives. (Except myself. I was determined to quit my job and find a girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Took me ten years, but dare I say, “Done, and check.”)

So what’s up for the next ten years? Taking a brief look at this morning’s events, I’m not sure I can tell you yet.

Today alone I:

- met with a publicist for my book
- began writing a musical
- wrote some sweet country songs
- worked on my new record
- wrote on a non-fiction book proposal for a brand new book
- updated my blog (while naked)

And I haven’t had lunch yet.

Now, that may be a product of currently being in NYC. (If the entire city never sleeps, why should I?) It also may be the product of only having $137.50 in my bank account while I wait for these mysterious royalty checks to roll in. Admittedly, I’m not sure which of these things will bring me riches the fastest, which ultimately brings me to the topic of this post. NAKED BLOGGING.

In my meeting with the publicist this morning, one thing stuck out. He reminded me that people are more apt to listen to what you have to say or read what you write when they get a sense of who you are. More than anything else, this is what people respond to. Makes perfect sense.

So, I’ve decided that from here on out, while I haven’t held all that much back in the past, you’re getting it ALL. And that means blogging and writing naked.

Oh yes. I’m sitting completely naked on a Herman Miller Aeron chair while making my resolutions. (Well, I put a towel down. The Radisson is only a 3-star establishment—I don’t really care to pick up a rash, being this early in the decade and all.)

Naked blogging means not only are you baring your body to the world, but you are bearing your soul. There is no censoring. It is what writers refer to as being honest.

For instance, I can tell you that for the last several weeks I haven’t been able to stop thinking about these next ten years, what they will bring, and how to have 100% Hotter Sex. (Sorry, there’s a Cosmo* lying by the bed. Distracting.) And thanks to naked blogging, I can also tell you that to be perfectly honest, I have absolutely no idea what to do with this new decade… and that’s scary.

I’ve accomplished a lot in the past decade, and I still feel like I’ve done nothing. Perhaps that’s why I’m now writing a musical, country songs, a new album, etc… For me, personally, I don’t feel at peace unless I’m constantly at work, contributing at least something to society on a daily basis. And I’m wondering who else feels this pressure?

Does it ever end? What have you done to relieve it? Will 100% Hotter Sex make everything better? Do post some comments and share your stories!

At any rate, I encourage you to try naked blogging, if only while you are making your New Year’s resolutions. It’s liberating. It’s freeing. And best of all, it doesn’t require anything. (Except a towel.)

Best wishes for a wonderfully successful 2010.

-jm

*It’s not mine.

Why I Will Never Be A Mall Santa

It started like this: Earn an easy couple hundred bucks. Come play piano at our party. Oh, and if you have a friend who fits a Santa suit, bring him along too.

It ended like this: Sneaking out the back door to avoid the owners of the house suing me for over $10,000 dollars worth of water damage (including their Christmas tree, and all of their presents), and the happiest of holidays ruined for the nice family with the house on the hill.

Somewhere in the middle, it happened like this.

The piano part I could handle. Have some sing-a-longs ready for the children. Easy. Granted, the “nice piano” I was promised turned out to be a sh-tty upright located smack in the middle of the living room, and I abhor playing uprights. But, still, it was a gig.

For the first hour, it was business as usual. I lost myself in some creative holiday medleys and some really wonderful substitute chord voicings, lost among the squeals of tiny children who only wanted to hear Here Comes Santa Claus. However, I knew Santa was currently having some substantial difficulty suiting up the garage, so HCSC would have to wait.

When the nice family originally gave us the tour of the house and told us what non-alcoholic beverages we could help ourselves to, the one thing the nice family neglected to inform us was where the bathrooms were located. During my first break I took it upon myself to find one, which happened to be upstairs. There also happened to be large sign in bold print on the door that instructed guests not to use this particular bathroom. But, I wasn’t a guest–I was the piano player. I was practically family. I assumed it was simply to keep the squealing children away. I tried the door and it was unlocked.

In I went.

Back down at the party, my medleys have started to become less wonderful and my chord voicings less enthusiastic. (Non-alcoholic punch will do that to you.) No one cares about anything at this point except for when the damn piano player is going to play Here Comes Santa Claus. I steal a peak out the window and note that Santa is outside sneaking a cigarette with one of the hot older cousins. I start jamming some Fiona Apple. That should hold them for a bit. Muddy chords at their finest.

Several minutes later I note a little bead of water beginning to run down the wall above the piano. I don’t think much of it other than it seems odd that there is water on the wall, but I haven’t been inside all that many homes in California. Maybe the walls sweat here.

I start thumbing through my book looking for the music for Here Comes Santa Clause as I just realized I can’t remember what key it’s in and if I let down thirty screaming children I will never work in this town again, when a bead of water drops onto my binder. I glance up and notice a long trail of water running across the ceiling. Uh-oh.

I follow the trail across the ceiling, towards the corner of the room, where another stream of water is currently running down the opposite wall. I do some quick geometry and realize that directly above the living room sits the bathroom with the sign that says Do Not Use in bold print.

Not good.

I quickly turn back around and resume playing, hoping my beautiful arrangement of Silent Night will distract the children and no one will notice the water now cascading down all four walls of the room.

Seconds later, I hear a scream.

“The tree! Mommy, the Christmas tree is drowning!”

Suddenly, the living room goes completely dark as the tree lights are ripped from the socket, quickly followed by a frenzied rush of adults racing up the stairs.

“Oh my God! Who the f-ck used the bathroom?! Can’t they read the f-cking sign?!”

I wanted to point out that most of the children at the party probably couldn’t read, and that you really shouldn’t swear around the holidays, but it wasn’t my place.

I continue to play as people rush around me on their hands and knees, every available towel in the house allocated to soaking up the now several inches of water on the floor. A line forms as the Christmas presents are gathered up from under the tree passed from one to another in a rush to get them to dry land. I’m reminded of the scene in Titanic, when the orchestra continued to play as the boat sunk into the frigid ocean. I contemplate playing My Heart Will Go On, but figure the irony would be lost.

At this moment Santa has chosen to take a break from hitting on the hot cousin and makes his grand appearance in the doorway. I begin pumping away Here Comes Santa Claus in earnest, pounding the bass with my left as hard as I can while grabbing a towel with my right to wipe some water off the top of the piano, never missing a single beat. These people have no idea of the level of sheer talent they hired for their party.

Santa enters the room reeking of cigarette smoke and beer, and within moments his giant bag of presents is soaked as the water continues to pour from the ceiling. Santa walks up to me and doesn’t need to ask me to know this is my fault. (Santa knows all.) I simply nod, and point to the back door.

I quickly gather up my music and we make our way to the garage where I help Santa shed the red suit, grab a couple of beers and the hot cousin, and we head to our car. We’re just about to pull out of the driveway when the front door slams and someone yells after us.

“Hey! Hold on you two!”

I freeze. The owner of the house rushes up to the car, his shirt and pants soaking wet. I hold my breath.

“Here. You almost left without getting paid.”

I look down at his hand as he extends a check through the window. He’s even included a small bonus.

“You guys were great. Sorry about all this mess. We’d love to have you back last year. Did you get something to eat or drink?”

I hear the beer bottles jingling in the back seat.

“We’re good.”

“Okay. Sorry again about all this mess. One of the children must’ve used that bathroom upstairs. I told Donna to lock that damn door. The pipes are all disconnected from the renovations we’ve been doing. I just hope the water damage doesn’t mean we have to stay in a hotel for Christmas. That would break the childrens’ hearts.”

I open my mouth to apologize, but I feel a kick from Santa next to me.

I offer a warm smile. “No worries. Hope you have a Merry Christmas.”

We pull out slowly and I glance down at the check again then look in the rear view mirror and notice hot cousin in the back seat wearing Santa’s hat. The gig didn’t turn out too badly after all. But I’m going to be a lot more careful the next time I book a party. I seriously hate playing on uprights.

(Yes, this was a true story.)

-jm